I'm tired of having cancer. You know, you can be brave for awhile, but eventually it just wears on you. A few weeks ago (is that all it was?) I was driving down the canyon, crying and stroking my hair. Then it fell out. Fine, I can be brave. I knew it was coming, blah blah blah. But yesterday it was too much. I just started crying. Zane's all "What's wrong?" and I'm all "I don't have any hair." SOMETIMES I JUST WANT MY HAIR BACK, DAMMIT. I don't want to be in your stupid club. I don't want to be that lady with cancer. I don't want to get chemo again on Wednesday. I don't want to be trekking to Huntsman Cancer Institute until JULY 2014. Screw you, cancer.
That is all. For now.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Gone
So, my hair is gone. Now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see the missing breast, the c-section scar, and the tiny, tiny hairless head. So I try not to look in the mirror too much. Sometimes I can pretend. Well, for now I still have eyebrows and eyelashes. One step at a time, right? Until it's all gone.
On the other hand, I did wear my wig for about four hours yesterday. It was not as bad as I have been told. The remaining stubble on my head sometimes got pushed back and was uncomfortable, but overall it felt like wearing a hat. I haven't really been a hat person, but it's better than feeling so conspicuous. I still don't really feel like me, but it's probably the bangs. Well, and the wig is a lot thinner than my real hair, too. I think the color is remarkably close, though, so that's nice. Zane wants me to get a red wig. Maybe a cheaper one?
It seems my kids are adjusting well. Sabrina did tell me to keep wearing the wig once, but the boys just take whatever I'm wearing on my head with aplomb. It's nice. It sort of reinforces that they won't even remember When Mom Had Cancer. Sabrina will a little, but even Sasha won't. That's nice. It will be almost like it didn't happen, for them at least.
On the other hand, I did wear my wig for about four hours yesterday. It was not as bad as I have been told. The remaining stubble on my head sometimes got pushed back and was uncomfortable, but overall it felt like wearing a hat. I haven't really been a hat person, but it's better than feeling so conspicuous. I still don't really feel like me, but it's probably the bangs. Well, and the wig is a lot thinner than my real hair, too. I think the color is remarkably close, though, so that's nice. Zane wants me to get a red wig. Maybe a cheaper one?
It seems my kids are adjusting well. Sabrina did tell me to keep wearing the wig once, but the boys just take whatever I'm wearing on my head with aplomb. It's nice. It sort of reinforces that they won't even remember When Mom Had Cancer. Sabrina will a little, but even Sasha won't. That's nice. It will be almost like it didn't happen, for them at least.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Hair Loss
It hasn't quite happened yet, but I can pull out 10 strands of hair at a time. I had the kids do some too, whereupon we threw it outside for the birds to make nests. I'm planning on shaving my head tomorrow. I have my two wigs, multiple hats, and some new cute turban-y hats that will be great for wearing around the house when I don't want Raiden pulling at my $300 wigs but also don't want to walk around bald.
I went to a really great free seminar yesterday called "Look good feel better." There was an hour of makeup tips, then an hour of wig/hat stuff. The hat part was really great and she easily convinced me to make a trip to her store today. But the makeup stuff was really great. I mean, even without the free, really nice makeup, it was really comforting to learn how to draw on eyebrows. Mom says there's nothing like a naked face to feel really bald. Sounds logical.
I've been feeling really good this chemo cycle. I haven't taken many anti-nausea drugs today. I did take a nap, in the 66% of the time Sabrina and Sasha were playing instead of fighting. They were playing that Sabrina was the baby and Sasha was...the mom? Well, whatever floats their boat. They were happy and not fighting for most of that time, so I'm just as happy as can be.
I went to a really great free seminar yesterday called "Look good feel better." There was an hour of makeup tips, then an hour of wig/hat stuff. The hat part was really great and she easily convinced me to make a trip to her store today. But the makeup stuff was really great. I mean, even without the free, really nice makeup, it was really comforting to learn how to draw on eyebrows. Mom says there's nothing like a naked face to feel really bald. Sounds logical.
I've been feeling really good this chemo cycle. I haven't taken many anti-nausea drugs today. I did take a nap, in the 66% of the time Sabrina and Sasha were playing instead of fighting. They were playing that Sabrina was the baby and Sasha was...the mom? Well, whatever floats their boat. They were happy and not fighting for most of that time, so I'm just as happy as can be.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Random Updates
We have been adopted. An orange cat, which has likely been dumped up here, has taken to coming into our house, purring, eating the dog food, and wandering around. Sparticus and Achilles have watched it with tolerant bemusement, which bemuses me. The reason I think it's been dumped up here is that it is hungry, slightly mangy, and declawed. No one up here would declaw a cat and then expect it to fend for itself, but apparently those city types are idiots. Did you know there is a thing called a Humane Society (pound, if you like) where you can take your unwanted animals? You don't have to let them starve to death in an environment YOU made them unsuitable to survive in. Grrrr. Look what you did. You made me end a sentence with a preposition.
Raiden is walking like a champ. He can stand up, change directions, and stay up for a long time. He's not quite as verbal as my other children were at a year, although he can say some very important things, like yum, boom, ta-da, and recently, uh-oh. On the other hand, he's more advanced than the others in physical stuff. Also, he's really, really cute. This is helped by my recent trimming of the hair that was growing over his ears. I'm terrible at stuff like that, but hey, he's just a baby. Toddler. Whatever. All I know is, he has 6 more months until nursery.
Sasha is completely adorable. I love this 2-3 year age! He runs everywhere. When he's not looking, he'll sometimes run sideways into walls and stuff. His talking is amazing. The other day, Zane turned on the TV, and one of the Star Wars movies was just finishing. Sasha asked him to keep watching the movie. When Zane came in a few minutes later to the closing credits, Sasha said, "That...was the most awesome show I have ever seen." Bwah!
Right now Sabrina is taking practice kindergarten. She gets to know some of the other kids, the teachers, the room, some of the procedures, that sort of thing. The first day I asked her about it, and she said, "First we had a snack." Then we were interrupted. When I got back to her, I asked, "What did you do after snack?" She replied, "NO. I want to tell you about snack. We had juice and animal crackers." Okay, then. I think she's having fun with it, and I think it will be really good for her to know the teacher and everything when she starts for real.
I start Chemo Round II tomorrow. I've been feeling so great the past week and I still have my hair, so my life is normal in every way right now. Well, pretty much every way. I guess that's all about to change and I'll be sick and bald soon. Can't wait.
Raiden is walking like a champ. He can stand up, change directions, and stay up for a long time. He's not quite as verbal as my other children were at a year, although he can say some very important things, like yum, boom, ta-da, and recently, uh-oh. On the other hand, he's more advanced than the others in physical stuff. Also, he's really, really cute. This is helped by my recent trimming of the hair that was growing over his ears. I'm terrible at stuff like that, but hey, he's just a baby. Toddler. Whatever. All I know is, he has 6 more months until nursery.
Sasha is completely adorable. I love this 2-3 year age! He runs everywhere. When he's not looking, he'll sometimes run sideways into walls and stuff. His talking is amazing. The other day, Zane turned on the TV, and one of the Star Wars movies was just finishing. Sasha asked him to keep watching the movie. When Zane came in a few minutes later to the closing credits, Sasha said, "That...was the most awesome show I have ever seen." Bwah!
Right now Sabrina is taking practice kindergarten. She gets to know some of the other kids, the teachers, the room, some of the procedures, that sort of thing. The first day I asked her about it, and she said, "First we had a snack." Then we were interrupted. When I got back to her, I asked, "What did you do after snack?" She replied, "NO. I want to tell you about snack. We had juice and animal crackers." Okay, then. I think she's having fun with it, and I think it will be really good for her to know the teacher and everything when she starts for real.
I start Chemo Round II tomorrow. I've been feeling so great the past week and I still have my hair, so my life is normal in every way right now. Well, pretty much every way. I guess that's all about to change and I'll be sick and bald soon. Can't wait.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Summer vacation
It's the first day of summer vacation! So what did I do? I went to my new school, Snowcrest, and spent two hours organizing my new room! Because I'm a nerd like that.
Unfortunately, the room was a mess. A huge, huge, mess. And not because the janitorial staff hadn't cleaned the room. I mean, they hadn't, but I'm sure they decided to just do deep cleaning and not worry about getting the boards erased and the room vacuumed. That's no big deal. But the previous teacher left tons and tons of crap lying around! I mean, cardboard boxes, permission slips from September, boxes of broken crayons, unopened class sets of magazines from 2010...all sorts of stuff. The novels for the kids were mostly organized, but lots of them were just stuck in the cupboards.
On the other hand, I have all my curriculum books in my room instead of in a locked curriculum room. I have an office! There are three white boards, a Smartboard, AND an LCD projector in my room. I have textbooks. I don't even know how to use a textbook! I've never had one, not as a teacher.
I also love my principal. He's always telling me how much I'll love it at Snowcrest, as if there's any doubt! He told me the parents up here can sometimes be demanding. I told him I've been at charter schools; there's no way they can scare me with their demanding-ness. He also, today, asked how my health is. I did not tell him about the cancer and I still have my hair. No, we live in a small town. I was mostly concerned about telling him it won't impact my teaching. He was mostly concerned that I come to him if I need anything. Like I said, I love my principal.
I also had a dentist appointment today. First day of summer vacation: dentist appointment and go to school! My dentist has a 7th grader next year, so I'll be his teacher. When we left, the dentist said he'd see me in six months. I corrected him. See you at Parent-Teacher Conferences, except next time I'll be in the power seat! Take that, bearer of pointy tools.
Unfortunately, the room was a mess. A huge, huge, mess. And not because the janitorial staff hadn't cleaned the room. I mean, they hadn't, but I'm sure they decided to just do deep cleaning and not worry about getting the boards erased and the room vacuumed. That's no big deal. But the previous teacher left tons and tons of crap lying around! I mean, cardboard boxes, permission slips from September, boxes of broken crayons, unopened class sets of magazines from 2010...all sorts of stuff. The novels for the kids were mostly organized, but lots of them were just stuck in the cupboards.
On the other hand, I have all my curriculum books in my room instead of in a locked curriculum room. I have an office! There are three white boards, a Smartboard, AND an LCD projector in my room. I have textbooks. I don't even know how to use a textbook! I've never had one, not as a teacher.
I also love my principal. He's always telling me how much I'll love it at Snowcrest, as if there's any doubt! He told me the parents up here can sometimes be demanding. I told him I've been at charter schools; there's no way they can scare me with their demanding-ness. He also, today, asked how my health is. I did not tell him about the cancer and I still have my hair. No, we live in a small town. I was mostly concerned about telling him it won't impact my teaching. He was mostly concerned that I come to him if I need anything. Like I said, I love my principal.
I also had a dentist appointment today. First day of summer vacation: dentist appointment and go to school! My dentist has a 7th grader next year, so I'll be his teacher. When we left, the dentist said he'd see me in six months. I corrected him. See you at Parent-Teacher Conferences, except next time I'll be in the power seat! Take that, bearer of pointy tools.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Chemo: The Week After
It's been over a week since my first treatment. The first few days were okay. I took naps and anti-nausea meds, and mostly felt okay. Then. The anti-nausea medications, while preventing nausea, ALSO prevented pooping. This may be too much information, but I have never, never been so constipated in my entire life. Therefore, I have rarely been more miserable in my entire life. I apologize to all Metamusil commercials for ever mocking them, and humbly ask for their blessing.
And how do I feel now? In high school, I had a friend who once said he hadn't had a bad day in a while, so he was hoping for one. Why, crazy boy? we asked. Because, he replied, you can't enjoy the good days as much unless you occasionally have a bad one. I have not gone to the point where I WANT a bad day, but they come whether I want them or not! I woke up today (at 7:30 on the first day of summer vacation) (that's sleeping in about two hours) to a happy Sasha, a still-sleeping Raiden, and a beautiful day. I have been cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of kids, and loving it! I have energy, feel good, and have hair! What could be better?
Speaking of hair...I went to get my wig yesterday with a family friend. They did not have the one I chose in my color, so I don't have it yet, but it should be in on Tuesday. The woman who helped me was very nice, but not a very good salesperson. She kept telling stories about her own wigs and how she has such thin hair and she just started working here and her son took a picture of her without her wig and she just wanted to kill him and she just started working here and she has three wigs and just started working here. Oh, I wanted to try on a wig? I kind of wanted her to realize that this experience? It's about ME. Not her. ME. Mememememe. I'm the one buying the wig. Me. Not her. Fortunately, she eventually let me buy a wig and go home. Phew.
Now I'm done with school and prepared, physically at least, to lose my hair. I'm going to enjoy the next three days of no chemo, then do it again on Thursday. Thank goodness for this few days of feeling good.
And how do I feel now? In high school, I had a friend who once said he hadn't had a bad day in a while, so he was hoping for one. Why, crazy boy? we asked. Because, he replied, you can't enjoy the good days as much unless you occasionally have a bad one. I have not gone to the point where I WANT a bad day, but they come whether I want them or not! I woke up today (at 7:30 on the first day of summer vacation) (that's sleeping in about two hours) to a happy Sasha, a still-sleeping Raiden, and a beautiful day. I have been cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of kids, and loving it! I have energy, feel good, and have hair! What could be better?
Speaking of hair...I went to get my wig yesterday with a family friend. They did not have the one I chose in my color, so I don't have it yet, but it should be in on Tuesday. The woman who helped me was very nice, but not a very good salesperson. She kept telling stories about her own wigs and how she has such thin hair and she just started working here and her son took a picture of her without her wig and she just wanted to kill him and she just started working here and she has three wigs and just started working here. Oh, I wanted to try on a wig? I kind of wanted her to realize that this experience? It's about ME. Not her. ME. Mememememe. I'm the one buying the wig. Me. Not her. Fortunately, she eventually let me buy a wig and go home. Phew.
Now I'm done with school and prepared, physically at least, to lose my hair. I'm going to enjoy the next three days of no chemo, then do it again on Thursday. Thank goodness for this few days of feeling good.
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